Sunday, January 10, 2010

 

What does your cat think?

Why hasn’t that human feed me yet? Can’t he hear me meowing and caterwauling? I’ve just woken up from my twelve hour beauty sleep and I’m famished. I need to eat before I have another nap. If he doesn’t come down and feed me soon, I’m going to use his sofa and dining table legs as my scratching posts.

It’s not as if I do nothing for him. Why just the other day, I presented him with a rat that I had killed. I bought it straight into the lounge room. Sure, I ate most of the rat’s guts, but what was left must have been a lovely surprise.

What’s that sound outside? Birds! Let me out! Let me out! I’ll get my own breakfast Let me out!

Look, that window up there is open. If I jump onto the table and then onto yonder cabinet. I should be able to squeeze through that window.

There done. Ok, birds, here I come.I am a predator; you are my prey. My body is tense, ready to spring. I am a killing machine. I am your Alpha and your Omega.

Prepare to meet thy…

Oh! Goddamned, Muthafuggin bells! They always give me away. One was fine.
But with two there’s no chance and no tasty birds. And birds make even better gifts for humans than rats do. I may as well go back inside the house.

I can’t get back in. I can’t reach that open window. It looks like more meowing and caterwauling is called for. Let me in, Let me in, let me in and feed me, I’m hungry, let me in.

I may as well patrol the backyard, my territory. Marked it with my own piss I did. Maybe there are some skinks and lizards to eat. I’ll prowl around and make sure that no other cats come here. Especially, that Persian from next door. I loathe that cat. I’ll scratch her eyes out if she dare step into this yard. I can smell the scent of that feral tom cat that lives in our neighbourhood. The last time I fought him, I had to be taken to the V-E-T. He nearly killed me. Not that I’m scared of him mind you. I got in some pretty good bites and scratches myself. I remember clawing his eyeball as I bit into is neck.

I recognise that sound, those sounds, I’d recognise them anywhere, any time. It’s the sound of a can opener opening a tin; the sound of a spoon tapping the tin, letting me know to ‘come and get it’. Oh boy, oh boy, I’m going to run as quickly as I can to get it. I’m so hungry, I’m starving, and I can almost taste it now.

What's this?! Generic sardines-in-aspic! I’m not eating that muck! Give me something else. Where are you going? I’m hungry. I demand that you open another tin. Ok, I’ll eat the dry cat food, I don’t really like it, but I’ll eat it.

Now that I’ve eaten, I’ll have my nap.

Man, what I dream. I dreamt that I was back in ancient Egypt and I was the Pharaoh’s number one cat. I’m feeling hungry again. Maybe I’ll just smell that generic sardines-in-aspic. Hmmm, smells ok. Maybe just a few bites. Not too bad. I won’t eat much. I don’t want the human buying it again.

Ok, finished. Now I can relax again. I’ll have another sleep.

Uh,oh…fur-ball!

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