Mr Mascellani's Musings

A Bachelor's Guide To Holding An Infant

Get out your tissues and hankies, gentle reader, it's baby bunnies and ducklings time. Today, I'm going to show you my sensitive side.


I am a bachelor, but one day I would like to be married and have kids, or at least one kid. But, of course, when I say that 'I' want to have kids, what I mean is that I want to participate in the miracle of creating new life with a woman whom I love, and who, I hope, can tolerate me. The actual having of the baby, I'll leave in her capable 'hands'- so to speak.


I tell you this because I want you to know that I have nothing against babies-and that,one day, I'd like to hold at least one of my own.

But having said that, I have to tell you, I fucking hate holding other people's babies.


I know from experience that parents get annoyed, upset, and angry if you refuse to hold their baby. And I assume that they would probably get even more annoyed, upset, and angry if you dropped their baby. Even though, technically, it would be their fault for insisting that you hold their baby in the first place. But who's a judge and jury going to believe? A loving married couple who have lost their baby or a no good weirdo bachelor? So, off to jail you'll go as a 'baby killer'- and from what I hear, you don't want that to happen.

So, if you are at some gathering and the hostess or hosts says something along the lines of,


"Sounds like little Emily, Charlotte, and Anne are awake."


And others at the gathering insist that the babies be brought out and put on general display, look at your watch and loudly proclaim:


"Is that the time? I really must be leaving."


Because if you if don't leave, you'll end up holding a baby. You can politely refuse, but that will be taken as a consequence of your lack of self confidence and low self esteem caused by the fact that you are a bachelor. Everyone knows that we bachelors are hopeless cases who can't really do much for ourselves.


"Who does your washing, ironing and cooking for you?" is a question that even now, in 2002, I'm still often asked. Often by people much younger than I.

And when I reply that I attend to all my own domestic duties, the response I get from my questioner is one of incredulous surprise and delight.

"Really"?!

Yes, really. I mean there was a time when I did have a few supermodels come over dressed up as French maids to do a spot of house cleaning and I had a robot butler. But, unfortunately, I woke up from that dream.


Anyway, the baby's parent will insist you hold their baby- as a sign of their respect, trust, and love for you.


Babies don't weigh much, so you can't use excuses such as my arm is sore or my back is aching. There are no excuses.

You'll just to hold the baby.


Now, babies aren't stupid. They know when they are being held by a bachelor. And they want to see you go to jail. So, they will do everything in their power to make you drop them. They will cry, scream, dibble, drool, piss, and shit, but most of all they will squirm. But no matter what they do. Hold on. You don't want to go to jail do you?


But not too tightly. You don't want to break the baby's bones. Again, I assume that the parents would be most upset if you gave them back their baby with a couple of broken bones and cracked ribs.


Also, always remember to support the babies head. But for fuck's sake, DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE 'SOFT SPOT' OF THE HEAD!" if you touch that- the baby falls apart- I think.

I hope that this guide as been of some use to you. If you would like to ask me some more questions about the care of infants, I'd have to ask you,

" Why are you asking me ? What's the matter with you? Are you insane? Go ask an expert, Go ask your parents. Sheesh!"